Healing from Toxic Shame After Sexual Assault: Brené Brown's Shame Resilience Theory
Many survivors of sexual assault experience a deep sense of shame, feeling damaged, broken, and worthless. Society reinforces these feelings, inevitably victim-blaming and rarely holding predators to account. In essence, sending the perverted message that the victim was powerful enough to cause her own attack. And continuing this twisted logic: So, she should have had the power to avoid it as well. These weird dynamics cause a sense of shame withing the victim. Shame that not only breaks not only the body, but also the psyche and soul - leading to a permanent sense of toxic shame within the victim that can last a lifetime if it isn’t addressed.
Shame is sometimes confused with guilt, which is a related but distinct emotion in which a specific behavior is seen as unacceptable or wrong, as opposed to shame that affects a person’s entire sense of self. Survivors of sexual abuse are prone to toxic shame, especially if they blame themselves, or were told by their abuser that they were responsible.
The statistics on our site reveal a sobering reality—hundreds of women come here every month searching for ways to deal with the toxic shame that often follows sexual assault. You are not alone. Toxic shame can weigh us down like an anchor, making it difficult to move forward and thrive.
Understanding Toxic Shame
Toxic shame goes beyond feeling bad about what happened to you; it makes you feel bad about who you are. The self-blame, isolation, and secrecy that often accompany this shame perpetuate a cycle that can be debilitating. We have seen this in too many women. But the road to recovery is possible, and one powerful guide for that journey is Brené Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory.
What is Brené Brown's Shame Resilience Theory?
A powerful tool that we’ve found that can help break the cycle is Brené Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory. Professor Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and her Shame Resilience Theory involves four elements:
Recognizing Shame and Understanding its Triggers: Acknowledge that what you're feeling is shame and identify what is causing it.
Practicing Critical Awareness: Understand the social and cultural factors that contribute to your shame.
Reaching Out: Share your story with someone you trust. Vulnerability is key to breaking the cycle.
Speaking Shame: Use accurate language to talk about your feelings, turning shame into an experience, not an identity.
How to Apply the Theory to Your Life
Recognizing Shame
The first step in healing is to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Journaling is a powerful tool and can be a helpful way to pinpoint triggers and moments when shame surges.
Practicing Critical Awareness
This step involves unpacking the societal norms that perpetuate shame, especially after a sexual assault. Often, we internalize these norms, which further cements our toxic shame.
Reaching Out
Based on site statistics, online forums and support groups have been invaluable resources for women on their healing journey. Consider joining one or talking to a friend or a professional you trust.
Speaking Shame
Putting words to your experience can be a freeing exercise. Try to talk about your feelings with a confidant or through creative outlets like poetry or painting. If you can’t find the words, art can help you to begin to sort through your feelings.
You Are More Than Your Experience
Shame can make you feel like you're unworthy of love, happiness, or success. But the truth is, you are more than your traumatic experience. Healing begins when you allow yourself to be vulnerable in a safe place with safe people. As Brené Brown says, "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome."
The journey toward shame resilience may be long and fraught with challenges, but you are not alone. You are worthy of healing and capable of resilience.
Remember, professional help is crucial for such a sensitive and severe issue. If you or someone you know needs help, please seek qualified assistance.
