What is Coercive Control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviors where one person tries to dominate and control every aspect of their partner’s life. They use manipulation, fear, and emotional tactics to take away someone’s freedom and independence. It can be hard to spot, because we’re used to looking for physical abuse, but it’s just as damaging.
Think of it as an invisible cage—one where the bars are made of rules, restrictions, and constant pressure to please the other person. Over time, this control can make you feel trapped, powerless, and even unsure of your own thoughts and feelings. But when you recognize the signs, you’ll be less likely to become a victim.
Other Words to Describe Coercive Control
Coercive control goes by a lot of names, but they all boil down to the same thing: someone trying to control you. Here are some other terms that help describe it:
Manipulative Control: Using guilt, lies, or subtle pressure to get you to do what they want.
Emotional Domination: Controlling your feelings and decisions by playing on your emotions.
Psychological Abuse: Tearing down your confidence or making you doubt yourself.
Controlling Behavior: Dictating your actions, choices, or relationships.
Mental Abuse: Using words, attitudes, or silence to manipulate and hurt.
Signs of Coercive Control
Coercive control can be hard to spot, especially in the early stages of a relationship. But here are some warning signs to watch for:
1. Isolation
They discourage you from spending time with friends or family.
They might say things like, “I just don’t trust your friends,” or, “Why do you need anyone else when you have me?”
2. Monitoring Your Life
They want to know where you are, who you’re with, or what you’re doing at all times.
They might check your phone, track your location, or demand passwords.
3. Controlling Your Appearance
They criticize your clothes, makeup, or hairstyle, saying, “You’d look better if you wore this,” or, “You’re trying to attract attention.”
4. Guilt-Tripping
They use emotional pressure to make you comply, saying things like, “If you loved me, you’d do this for me.”
5. Financial Control
They might take over your finances or discourage you from working or studying so you rely on them completely.
6. Threats and Intimidation
They might smash objects, raise their voice, or threaten to hurt themselves if you don’t do what they want.
How Coercive Control Affects You
Coercive control is designed to make you feel powerless. Over time, it can break down your confidence, make you doubt yourself, and even make you feel responsible for the abuse. You might feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, trying to avoid conflict.
Young women are especially at risk because you may be just starting to date seriously or are away from home for the first time. And abusers know this. So they target kind, trusting, and inexperienced people who may not recognize the warning signs right away.
Why Coercive Control is Hard to Spot
At first, coercive control might just look like love or concern. Someone who texts constantly to "check in" might seem caring, but over time, this behavior can cross the line into controlling territory.
Abusers often use a tactic called love bombing in the beginning—showering you with attention, compliments, and gifts. Then once they’ve gained your trust, they’ll slowly start to control you, making it harder for you to notice what’s happening.
How to Recognize Coercive or Emotional Abuse in Conversations
Sometimes, coercive control shows up in texts, calls, or everyday conversations. If you’re unsure whether someone’s behavior crosses the line, a helpful resource is AimeeSays.com. It’s a free, anonymous tool that can analyze whether texts or interactions show signs of coercive control or emotional abuse. If you’re feeling unsure or confused about a relationship, it’s worth checking out.
How to Protect Yourself
If any of this feels familiar, don’t ignore it. Here are some ways to protect yourself:
Trust Your Instincts
If something feels off, listen to that inner voice. You don’t owe anyone your obedience or silence.
Stay Connected
Keep talking to friends, family, or anyone you trust. Isolation is one of an abuser’s strongest tools.
Educate Yourself
Learn the signs of coercive control so you can spot them early and take action.
Use Resources
Websites like AimeeSays.com or hotlines like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) are there to help.
You Deserve a Safe and Respectful Relationship
Coercive control isn’t love—it’s abuse. Relationships should feel safe, supportive, and empowering, not suffocating or manipulative. And if you’re experiencing coercive control or emotional domination, know that you’re not alone and help is available. You deserve a relationship where you’re free to be yourself, without fear or pressure.
Stay strong, trust your instincts, and never hesitate to reach out for support. You’re worth it.
