October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, when we spotlight the truth about abusers that are too often buried under a lot of myths. One of the most dangerous myths is that abusers “just lose control.”

In this excerpt from our interview with Irish author and domestic violence expert Don Hennessy, he calls out this misconception for what it is: a lie that keeps survivors trapped and abusers unaccountable.

“The most common assumption was that most of these guys couldn’t help it…that something triggered them. But the men themselves told us: they were always in control.” – Don Hennessy

Abuse Isn’t About Anger — It’s About Control

For centuries, society has excused violent and coercive behavior by saying an abuser just “snapped.” Maybe alcohol was involved, maybe stress, maybe a bad day at work. Survivors are told, “He didn’t mean it, he just lost it.”

But Don’s decades of research—backed by abusers’ own admissions—shows the exact opposite:

• In public, they laugh, joke, and have a good time without a hint of anger.
• But as soon as they walk in the door at home, they can turn violent the moment the door closes.
• Then when the police arrive, the rage instantly disappears. Suddenly, there are tears, apologies, and Oscar-worthy regret.

This is not a lack of control. It’s a performance.

Why This Myth Is So Dangerous

Believing that abuse is an “out of control” problem allows abusers to hide in plain sight. It also heaps guilt onto survivors—who are told if they hadn’t “triggered” him, it wouldn’t have happened. Read our article on Dangerous Narrative: “Perfect Perpetrator.“

But if we accept the truth—that abuse is intentional and calculated—it changes the whole dynamic. Survivors can stop asking, “What did I do wrong?” and start recognizing the abuser’s behavior for what it really is: deliberate control.

Watch Don Hennessy Explain

Here’s the full excerpt from our interview with Don. It’s short, powerful, and worth sharing.

It’s Time to Stop Victim Blaming

This Domestic Violence Awareness Month, it’s time to retire the excuses. We need to stop victim blaming and calling abuse a “loss of control” and call it what it is: control itself. Read our article on The Mary Gingles Case: Law Enforcement Failure and 3 Murders.

By understanding the truth about abusers, we can better support survivors, hold perpetrators accountable, and dismantle the myths that let this violence continue.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, you can reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline for confidential help 24/7.