When people hear “Violence Against Women and Girls,” they jump straight to the physical harm. It’s understandable — because physical assault shows itself. The evidence is visible, unmistakable. And it demands explanation. But the invisible psychological violence is the slow, strategic, soul-sucking warfare that leaves scars…long after the body heals.

And the two handmaidens of this violence — victim blaming and humiliation — aren’t accidents. They’re engineered systems of control. Humiliation is the oldest weapon of psychological violence ever used against women. It’s the quiet, lethal mechanism that rewrites the story and pins the shame on the victim instead of the perpetrator – and it always starts with victim-blaming. So, on this International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, let’s look at how this mechanism of psychological violence is used against us. (For more information, read our article: When Love is a Battle Plan: Psychological Warfare in Domestic Abuse.)

Victim Blaming is the Delivery System for Humiliation

Why does the burden always land on the woman who has the least power in the room? Why is her behavior, her outfit, her tone, her drinking, her judgment, or her “choices” interrogated, as though it’s evidence…while the perp walks away with a sympathetic storyline and a bright-future disclaimer? Society rushes — almost knocking itself over in its hurry — to hang shame on women carry of the violence done against them?

There’s a reason. Because: Victim-blaming is the delivery system for humiliation. And humiliation is the oldest weapon of psychological violence against women.

It isn’t misunderstanding. It isn’t confusion. And it definitely isn’t “someone who meant well but fell short.” Because it is a control mechanism — the social reflex that shifts shame off of perpetrators and onto the woman.

Victim-blaming keeps women quiet. And quiet keeps women isolated. And isolation keeps women controllable. Because the control is the whole fucking point.

Humiliation IS Psychological Violence in Domestic Abuse.

So, let’s start with a scenario that most people think they understand, but don’t – Intimate Partner Control. The world has victim-blamed domestic abuse since the earth cooled. Every single lens focuses on why the victim stays. But Irish domestic violence expert Don Hennessy says the quiet part out loud: the truth that most people never hear, nor want to hear:

Sexual humiliation is the core of intimate partner control.

Don Hennessy – Irish DV Therapist and Researcher

Abusers often force their partners into degrading sexual acts. But…it actually isn’t about sex. They do it to break a woman’s spirit. Let me say that again – they sexually degrade victims to the point of humiliation. So humiliating that will go to the grave before they discuss it with anyone. The abusers debase her so deeply that she believes:

• she cannot tell anyone,
• no one will believe her,
• she will be blamed,
• and she should feel ashamed.

Humiliation is the silence. Silence is the cage. And the cage is the control.

But here’s the crack in the system: It only works if she accepts the humiliation and shame. When she refuses to be shamed — or even names it — the entire cage collapses.

“It’s not for the victims to have shame. Shame must change sides.”

– Gisèle Pelicot

The Private and the Public Run the Same Operating System

And what abusers do in private, misogynistic men do in public. Same tactics. But different platform.

In private, abusers say:

• “You’re disgusting.”
• “No one else would want you.”
• “You made me do this.”
• “If people knew what you do, they’d be sick.”

In public, misogynistic men say:

• “Quiet, piggy.”
• “She’s unf***able.”
• “No one wants her.”
• “She’s crazy.”
• “She’s lying for attention.”

The goal is identical: To silence her. Break her credibility. And to make her carry shame that was never hers. Humiliation is power — but only if she takes it on.

Case Studies Where Shame Traded Sides

Gisèle Pelicot — “It is time shame trades sides.”

After being brutally raped by her husband and over 80 other men (facilitated by her then-husband) in France, Pelicot refused to carry that humiliation that society heaps onto to so many victims. Instead, she waived her right to an anonymous trial of her perpetrators and demanded that her court proceedings (and videos that her husband took of her own repeated rapes) be opened to the public.

Her message was surgical in its clarity: “The shame is his. Not mine.”

And by rejecting the humiliation — this 72-year-old grandmother flipped the entire dynamic. She knew that if she didn’t take it on, they couldn’t hang on her.

Cassie vs. Diddy — Ending the Ritual of Silence

The entertainment industry is built on silencing women and shielding powerful men. And Cassie blew that structure sky-high. She sued Diddy publicly, intentionally, and didn’t have a single ounce of shame for his actions. The industry didn’t know whether to shit, run or go bling. And that shame traded sides — fast. Now Diddy sits in prison, where he belongs. (For more information on Cassie and Gisèle Pelicot, read our article: The Courage of Cassie and Gisèle Pélicot.)

“Quiet. Quiet, piggy.” — Humiliation Performed for an Audience

When a male leader calls a female reporter “piggy,” it is not a joke. It is dominance theater — public humiliation that’s meant to make her second-guess her own authority. But the tactic only works if she — and the reporters around her — and society — cooperates. But when we refuse the humiliation, the tactic falls short — as does the dominance theater.

How Women Can Overcome These Psychological Weapons

Not every woman has a courtroom. And not every woman has a platform. But every woman can reject the attempt at humiliation — because humiliation is psychological, and psychology can be reversed. Here’s how women can dismantle the oldest weapon in the book.

1. Call Out the Humiliation Attempt – Humiliation only works when women internalize it. But it dissolves when we label it:
   • “Ha. You’re attempting to humiliate me.” (Heavy on the “attempt” part.)
   • “I see the tactic.”
   • “You’re trying to shame me.”
   • “I am not humiliatable.”
   • Naming the attempt breaks the spell: “Your move didn’t land.”
2. Refuse to Accept the Attempted Shame – Humiliation only works if women step into the shame harness. You don’t have to. The moment you refuse to carry the shame, the power flips.
3. Humiliation is Data — Not Identity – Humiliation feels personal. But the truth is, it isn’t. It’s diagnostic information about the other person:
   • His disgust is about his need for power.
   • His degradation is about his insecurity.
   • His attempt to shame is about his fear.
   • You cannot be humiliated by data about someone else’s behavior. Ever.
4. Break the Silence Reflex – Women are reflexively silenced. So reflexively, that we also silence ourselves when we feel humiliated. Silence is the oxygen that humiliation breathes. Tiny acts of non-silence create tectonic shifts. So, any act of non-silence disrupts the pattern:
   • Don’t laugh it off.
   • Don’t apologize.
   • Don’t soften.
   • Don’t retract your question.
   • Don’t disappear yourself.
   • Tell at least one person that you trust.
   • Speak one sentence of truth.

It’s Time for Society to Shame the Perpetrator — Not the Victim

By ourselves, women can’t dismantle a tactic that society still rewards. We can’t break that chain ourselves. Institutions — and men — need to help us do the heavy lifting:

• “You’re attempting to humiliate her.”
• “That’s shame-based control.”
• “This behavior is not acceptable.”

Because it’s actually a “simple” cultural shift:

From: “What did she do?”
To: “Why did he do that?”

The instant that society stops cooperating with humiliation, the weapon dies.

Humiliation Is the Oldest Weapon — And Women Are Done Carrying It

For centuries, violent men have counted on women picking up the shame thrown at them.

Women are putting it down.
We’re flipping the script.
Women are refusing the attempt.

Because (to be repetitive because we need to), when women refuse to carry the shame, the entire system of control collapses.

So, today — and every day — remember the truth:

Humiliation is violence.
Shame is the delivery system.
Silence is the goal.

But it only works if women accept it. And women aren’t having it for one more second. So, shame trades sides today.