Domestic Abuse: Dating Red Flags
Many people seem to think that domestic violence and abuse happen out of the blue. They don’t realize that domestic abuse is a pattern—and it can start as early as the first date. The tricky part is that some of these warning signs can easily be mistaken for attraction or passion. But the good news? If you know what to look for, these red flags become easier to spot. But keep in mind, it’s not about one or two isolated behaviors: it’s about noticing the patterns or a combination of behaviors.
Known as coercive control, here are ten behaviors that, in combination, could be early warning flags of a potential abuser on a date:
Excessive Charm and Intensity: At first, they might appear extremely charming, showering you with attention, gifts, and compliments. While it might seem flattering, this intense focus is often a tactic to create a false sense of security and rush the relationship. In this case, it isn’t love, it’s love-bombing.
Pushing Boundaries: They may push physical, emotional, or conversational boundaries early on. For example, oversharing about past relationships, probing into deeply personal topics or pressuring for physical intimacy. Respect for boundaries is key in any relationship; their disregard is a red flag.
Control Disguised as Concern: They might express excessive concern for your safety or wellbeing, but it's actually a method of control. For instance, insisting on knowing your whereabouts at all times under the guise of "protection" can escalate into full-blown monitoring.
Isolation Tactics: Early attempts to isolate you from friends or family, often through subtle comments like, "They don't appreciate you as much as I do" or "I just want to spend time with you, not them." This behavior indicates a desire to dominate your social circles.
Quick to Commit: Rushing into commitment—talking about moving in together, marriage, or even suggesting that "it’s fate"—is often a way to quickly establish control before the other person sees the real them. Healthy relationships take time to develop.
Blame and Victimization: Watch for self-victimizing behavior, especially blaming their past failed relationships on "crazy" or "unstable" ex-partners. This narrative suggests an inability to take responsibility for their actions and may hint at an abusive history.
Jealousy and Possessiveness: Excessive jealousy and possessiveness are often framed as signs of love but are rooted in control. Monitoring who you talk to, your social media, or even casual interactions with others are strong indicators of possessive behavior.
Mood Swings: Rapid and unexplained mood swings, particularly sudden outbursts of anger or frustration, can signal underlying emotional instability. This volatility often intensifies over time, leading to a more hostile and dangerous environment.
Testing Your Reactions: They might test your tolerance for unacceptable behavior through "jokes" or "accidental" actions (e.g., making a hurtful comment and then claiming it was just a joke). Your reactions help them gauge how far they can push your boundaries.
Overreaction to Rejection: Pay attention to how they handle "no." Abusers often struggle with any form of rejection, reacting with anger, guilt-tripping, or manipulative tactics to change your decision. A healthy partner respects your boundaries without argument.
If you notice that your date shows a number of these behaviors, break it off. Right now. It isn’t going to get any better and is guaranteed to get worse. As they become more comfortable over time and realize that you’ll put up with these behaviors, you will be the one bearing the brunt of this person’s problems. And even though they seem really charming now, that charm is a facade. Please don’t become a statistic.
