10 Myths Surrounding Domestic Violence and Abuse

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and a large part of being aware includes facing and dispelling mistaken beliefs surrounding domestic abuse. Various myths perpetuate misunderstandings and lead to victim-blaming and misconceptions about this brutality, perpetuated primarily against women.

So we’re going to puncture 10 of these myths, using evidence-based information and statistics.

1. Myth: Domestic violence only happens in certain communities or demographics

• Fact: Domestic violence affects people across all races, cultures, genders, economic classes, and backgrounds. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 1 in 3 women globally have experienced physical or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime.

2. Myth: If it were that bad, the victim would just leave

• Fact: Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult due to a range of factors, including fear, financial dependence, and concern for children. Research indicates that the most dangerous time for a victim is when they are trying to leave or have just left their abuser.

3. Myth: Domestic abuse is always physical

• Fact: While physical abuse is one form, emotional, verbal, economic, and sexual abuses are also forms of domestic violence. Psychological abuse can be as damaging, if not more so, than physical abuse. The tactics of coercive control are identical to those used to brainwash prisoners-of-war. And if trained soldiers are broken by these tactics, what chance do women in love have?

4. Myth: Alcohol, drugs, stress, or mental illness cause domestic violence

• Fact: While these factors can exacerbate the violence, they are not the root causes. Abuse is always a choice made by the perpetrator. Many people who have these conditions don’t abuse their partners.

5. Myth: Only women are victims of domestic violence

• Fact: While women constitute a significant proportion of victims, men can be victims too. According to the CDC, about 1 in 4 women and nearly 1 in 10 men have experienced contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner.

6. Myth: It's a personal matter, and outsiders shouldn't get involved

• Fact: Domestic violence is a societal issue. Interventions by family, friends, and even strangers can save lives. Silence only perpetuates the cycle of violence. OJ Simpson got away with abusing Nicole Brown Simpson for years using this excuse. After Nicole repeatedly called the police on Simpson for abusing her, Simpson told arresting officers, “This is a family matter.”

7. Myth: Victims often provoke the violence

• Fact: This myth perpetuates victim-blaming. It somehow makes the victim powerful enough to emotionally control her abuser, when the truth of the matter is that no person can cause another to do anything. We all make our own decisions. The responsibility lies entirely with the abuser. No one deserves or asks to be abused.

8. Myth: If the victim doesn't speak out, it can't be that bad

• Fact: Many victims remain silent due to fear, shame, or the belief that they won't be believed. Silence should never be mistaken for acceptance.

9. Myth: Economic dependence is the only reason victims stay

• Fact: While financial constraints are a significant barrier for many victims, others might stay because of cultural or religious beliefs, love, hope for change, or fear of retaliation. Many victims are “love bombed” in the early stages of the relationship, falling in love, and mistakenly believing that the abuser will somehow return to the person they fell in love with – even after the abuse continues.

10. Myth: Children are better off with both parents, even if one is abusive

• Fact: Children who witness domestic violence are at a greater risk for anxiety, depression, and other psychological distress. Moreover, they're more likely to perpetuate the cycle of violence in their own adult relationships. Generational domestic abuse was rampant in my family, affecting not only our physical safety but causing emotional and mental damage; destroying our family relationships.

It's crucial to understand the truth about domestic violence and abuse to challenge the myths that cause victim blaming and apathy that surround this global epidemic of violence. We all need to support survivors of domestic violence and work towards a safer, more aware society.

The Correlation of Microaggressions and Violence Against Women

Microaggressions are often dismissed as harmless, insignificant remarks or behaviors. However, the truth is, they are far from trivial. Because, in fact, microaggressions contribute to a global culture that enables and perpetuates violence against women. In this post, we’re going to connect the dots, and make the correlation between microaggressions and violence against women, backed by facts.

What Are Microaggressions?

Microaggressions are subtle, sometimes unintentional but always discriminatory comments or behaviors targeted at members of marginalized groups. For example, men overtalking or interrupting women in a meeting or conversation; or walking by a woman and telling her to smile. And these actions may seem trivia in and of themselves, collectively they are designed as a power-play and contribute to a hostile environment toward women.

Cold Statistics: Violence Against Women

Before diving into the connection between microaggressions and violence, let's look at some statistics on violence against women:

• 1 in 3 women globally has experienced physical or sexual violence, mostly by an intimate partner (World Health Organization).

• In the United States, 1 in 4 women has been raped in her lifetime (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).

• 43% of dating college women reported experiencing violent or abusive behaviors (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence).

Connection: How Microaggressions Play a Role

Microaggressions serve as the building blocks for a broader culture of misogyny and violence. They condition society to normalize derogatory attitudes and behaviors towards women, which can escalate into physical or sexual violence.

Examples and More Statistics:

1. Catcalling and Street Harassment:

• 65% of women have experienced street harassment (Stop Street Harassment).

• Street harassment often starts with catcalling and can escalate into stalking or even assault.

2. "Boys Will Be Boys" Mentality:

• This phrase is used to excuse male behavior, including aggression and disrespect toward women.

• One study found that 29% of participants across two U.S. universities had perpetrated physical violence on a romantic partner (Journal of Interpersonal Violence). Given the stigma associated with sexual violence, it is likely that participants underreported their behavior

3. Objectification in Media:

• Women are often portrayed as objects in media, perpetuating harmful stereotypes.

• Research has shown that exposure to objectifying media can increase tolerance for sexual harassment and rape myths.

The Ripple Effect

At first glance, microaggressions might seem small and isolated. But they accumulate, creating a tidal wave of normalized violence. As they accrue, victims are more likely to internalize these microaggressions, leading to lower self-esteem and increased vulnerability to more severe forms of abuse.

Challenging Microaggressions

To tackle the base of the issue, we need to acknowledge and challenge the microaggressions when they occur. Since they appear to be so trivial, their perceived importance diminishes even further over time. In a larger context, several steps need to be taken: Educating communities, implementing policy changes, and collective activism are all crucial steps to eradicating not just microaggressions but also the resultant violence against women.

Microaggressions aren't just small, benign acts; they're harbingers or warning signs of a much bigger problem. The statistics don't lie; ignoring microaggressions contributes to the perpetuation of violence against women. By confronting these subtle but harmful acts head on, we can help create a society that respects and protects all of its members.

What is the Omegle App and How It Endangers Kids

Omegle is an online chat website that allows users to talk to each other without registering. It randomly pairs users from around in the world in one-on-one chat or video sessions. But although the platform “requires users to be 18 years old or older,” it’s lip service because there’s no age verification in place. Users just have to agree to the terms and conditions. Check two boxes and you’re in. Really? How is this even legal? It’s as bad as putting kids on a Manhattan street corner at 3:00 a.m. with a “Free” sign on them.

With open season on children like this, Omegle has unsurprisingly become even more popular in recent years - with an average of 94 million monthly visitors via organic search traffic. And just as unsurprisingly, its danger to kids increases along with its popularity. According to Cybertip.ca, there has been an average of one report of online sexual exploitation of children on Omegle every two days during the year ending in June 2023. An increase of 122% from 2021-22 and up 397% from 2018-19.

These are our children.

How Omegle Endangers Kids

1. Online Predators: Omegle and similar "talk to stranger" sites are notorious for being hunting grounds for online child predators. These predators know that minors are on the platform and devise strategies to find them. It isn’t hard. Some of these kids are as young as 7.

2. Porn production: Predators can use unsuspecting kids to produce porn. A Virginia man will spend 16 years in prison for using Omegle to produce pornography. He engaged in sexual live video calls with approximately 1,000 girls between the ages of 7 and 17 years old. He screen-recorded and saved more than 70 of these videos without the victims knowing

3. Obscenities and Inappropriate Behavior: The platform is known for explicit content, including sexual content and nudity.

4. Identity Theft: Children may also unknowingly share personal information with strangers, putting them at risk of identity theft

5. Cyberbullying: Kids using Omegle can be exposed to cyberbullying and other forms of online harassment

 Threat to Children in Real Life

Recently, a 33-year-old man from Shirley, New York, allegedly met a teenage girl on Omegle in July 2023. He kidnapped the girl, drove her 70 miles from home, and forced her into sex slavery for months. The case highlights the potential dangers children face when using platforms like Omegle.

Statistics

• Omegle's audience is 67.51% male and 32.49% female

• The largest age group of visitors is 18-24 year-olds, who are responsible for 39.57% of the traffic to Omegle

• Over 60% of the users are reported to be under 18, and yet 1 in 4 chats on Omegle feature explicit content, according to some estimates.

These numbers are truly nauseating. Every one of these victims is a child.

We hope that parents pay attention to what your kids are doing online and take measures to prevent them from accessing Omegle and other anonymous chat sites. This includes using third-party parental control apps to block access to Omegle. If you don’t feel confident in doing it yourself, hire a trusted professional to set it up, and watch them while they’re doing it. You want to make sure that they aren’t actually makeing it easier for predators to gain access to your kids.

Also, make sure that you’re having open conversations with children about the dangers of using platforms like Omegle. One victimized child is one too many.

Why Am I Attracted to Narcissists? Your Childhood Could Hold a Clue

Do you find yourself constantly surrounded by narcissists? Not just with partners, but also with friends and acquaintances. Do you wonder why you seem to be a magnet for the self-absorbed? Keep in mind, that besides their selfishness, they all have one thing in common in your life: You. You’re attracted to them as much as they’re attracted to you. So, beyond the surface allure of the charisma and confidence of these Me-Me’s, there may be a deeper, psychological foundation to your attraction, one rooted in your childhood: Parentification.

A sneak peek into your childhood might unveil some startling truths about this. So, we’re diving into the phenomenon known as parentification – a process that disproportionately impacts girls – and how it can shape our relationships as adults. We know all about this, because we’ve been there.

Parentification: Undetected Childhood Burden

Have you ever felt that you were the parent in your household even when you were just a child? Perhaps you took care of your siblings, made dinner, or constantly worried about family finances. This is known as parentification: Where a child is forced to take on the emotional or practical roles typically reserved for an adult. While anyone can undoubtedly experience this, girls are often more prone to it due to societal norms and expectations. It’s easy for busy or overwhelmed parents to outsource family and household responsibilities to young girls. In essence, turning children into second mothers - little adults with all of the responsibility, but none of the authority – a setup that can be a basis for dysfunctional relationships later in life.

The Emotional Toll of Parentification on Girls

Girls, by societal design, are often taught to be nurturers and caregivers from a young age. Parentified girls grow up feeling the need to put everyone else's needs before their own. This can result in suppressed feelings, a lack of self-care, and even feelings of guilt when they prioritize themselves. Can you relate?

Making Connections: Parentification & Attraction to Narcissists

Here’s the intriguing part: when you're accustomed to putting others before yourself, it's not surprising that you’re accustomed constantly giving - Inadvertently attracting narcissistic personalities into your life. These people crave the undivided attention and unwavering support that you’ve been conditioned to give. They see in you a perfect match – someone who'll nurture their ego and needs, often at your own expense. Narcissists, with their desire for admiration and attention, can mimic the emotional demands you may have experienced in your childhood, making the dynamics familiar and, paradoxically, comforting

Breaking the Cycle: Steps to Reclaiming Yourself

It's not your fault if you've experienced parentification or if you find yourself drawing narcissists into your orbit. However, recognizing these patterns is the first step towards breaking the cycle. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Acknowledge Your Past: Accept and process the roles you had to play in your childhood. This may require therapy or counseling to help unravel deep-seated beliefs and feelings.

2. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no. You deserve to prioritize your feelings, needs, and desires. It's okay to put yourself first.

3. Seek Healthy Relationships: Surround yourself with people who value mutual respect and reciprocity. Relationships should be a two-way street.

4. Educate Yourself: Understanding narcissistic behaviors can help you spot red flags early on and protect your emotional wellbeing.

Getting Free

We know that seeing the truth of your past might be painful, but it's a journey worth taking. You’ve served others long enough. It’s your time now. We did this ourselves and It set us free. Remember, your childhood experiences shaped you, but they don’t have to define you. Embrace your strengths, set those boundaries, and stride forward into a life where you’re recognized and celebrated for the incredible person you are. Be free, stay strong and stay safe!

Rideshare Safety Tips

Lyft recently introduced Women+ Connect, a feature being rolled out in select cities that matches women and non-binary drivers with other women and non-binary riders. Rideshare safety is an important concern for everyone, but especially for women. The in-app option was added to Lyft’s services after 17 new lawsuits in 2022 accused the company of failing to protect women from physical and sexual assaults. Uber offers their own version, Women Rider Preference. These features benefit both riders and drivers, because not only are riders at risk of assault during a rideshare, so are drivers. In 2020, Uber reported that riders were the accused party in sexual assaults 43% of the time.  

Unfortunately, we don’t have any more recent safety information from either rideshare company, because neither Uber nor Lyft have reported data since 2020 and 2021 respectively. This despite a quote prominently displayed on Uber’s three-year-old report stating: “Safety should never be proprietary, and it’s our intention to make an impact well beyond our own company, encouraging others to be more transparent with their data and to share best practices that can make everyone safer.”

Despite the updated preference options offered by the rideshare companies, it is important to note that these features are preferences, not guarantees. They may not be available everywhere, and women and non-binary drivers are in the minority. As usual, we advise women to take their personal safety into their own hands. So irrespective of app safety features, here are some essential safety tips for women using rideshare services.

Safety Tips for Riders

1. Wait in a safe place: While waiting for your ride, choose a well-lit and populated area. Wait inside or close to a building, if you can. This will reduce your profile for potential robbers or attackers. If you’re standing on the curb, you’re an open target for someone to grab your purse or pull you into a car.

2. Double-check the car license plate and driver details: Before getting into the vehicle, confirm that the car color, make/model, license plate, and driver's photo match the information provided in the app. This is especially important if you’re waiting in a busy area where a lot of people are waiting for their ride. Be especially careful not to get into a ride that you didn’t call. Predators drive around pretending to be rideshare drivers whose ride cancelled on them, so they just “happen” to be available.

3. Sit in the back seat on the passenger side: This provides the greatest distance between you and the driver. It allows you to have a better view of the driver and the road, and it also makes it easier to exit the vehicle on either side, if necessary. Never agree to sit in the front with the driver, it’s not only against rideshare regulations, it puts you in close proximity for an attack. Also, never get into a rideshare that already has a passenger in the front seat.

4. Don’t accept any drinks from the driver: Some may be well-intentioned and look to offer a more enjoyable ride experience. But others may have introduced a drug into the drink. Play it safe. Bring your own drink or wait till you get to your destination.

5. Track Your Destination Route: Bring your destination up on your phone map app and follow your ride progress via GPS. Make sure that the driver isn’t veering off the path to your destination.

6. Share your trip details with someone: Let a friend or family member know that you're taking a rideshare and share your trip details, including the driver's information and your estimated arrival time. You can also use an app or wearable tech that allows your contact to track your location via GPS.

7. Keep the windows down if possible: This can make it easier to call for help or exit the vehicle if you feel unsafe.

8. Trust your safety intuition and instincts: If something feels off or you feel uncomfortable, don't hesitate to end the ride and exit the vehicle in a safe location.

9. Call For Help: If necessary, use the “panic button” within the app and/or call 911.

 One Safety Tip for Drivers

Our biggest suggestion for rideshare drivers is a dash cam. We’d really like to see Uber and Lyft make a corporate deal with one of the dash cam companies and provide them to their drivers – or at least reimburse the driver for it.

Dash cams are relatively inexpensive, especially when considering what you’re investing in: A potential deterrent in the event of physical or sexual assault, evidence if something does occur and also in the event of a car accident. We’re partial to cloud dash cameras, because they are continually transmitting data to the cloud in real time. That way, the information doesn’t reside on the device itself. So, if the dashcam is disabled, either accidentally or on purpose, the data is safe and you can retrieve it to show law enforcement.

We particularly like the dash cams that periodically announce themselves to passengers, alerting them that they’re being recorded. This could go a long way in deterring a would-be predator.

We’re glad that Uber and Lyft are finally taking measures to increase women’s safety, and as we said, we’d really like for them to invest in dash cams to keep both driver and rider safe. We love rideshares and these are the steps we take ourselves. We hope you do too.

Prince Charming Syndrome: How Society Sets Women Up for Romance Scams

Prince Charming: that age-old emblem of fairy tale romances that we've been spoon-fed since we were in diapers. The dashing savior of the damsel in distress. But what if I told you that this very image—romanticized, fantasized, and dreamt about—is what's making adult women everywhere the perfect prey for smooth romance scammers?

Those childhood fairy tales didn't warn us about this plot twist.

The Numbers are Painful

The 2023 report by the Federal Trade Commission showed that consumers reported losing $1.3 billion in 2022 to romance scams—ouch. And, while the data does show that both men and women fall victim, women lose twice as much money as men. Double ouch. This chart from the FTC shows the most common scamming lies.

So, Why Us?

Society has a way of weaving narratives and setting expectations, especially for women. And when it comes to women’s messaging, it's often about how we’re rescued, taken care of, or wooed by the perfect man. And what that happens, our life will be just…perfect! This ingrained expectation—that love will swoop in and change our lives—can make us vulnerable. Then, in swoops the scammer, pretending to be that "perfect man" that we’ve been waiting for.

Dating App Woes

Modern dating apps have become the breeding ground for these scams. And, before you jump to thinking, "Ah, that’s a millennial problem!", think again. A majority of these reported scams were from women aged 40-69. Yes, Karen, even the more 'seasoned' amongst us aren't immune. And according to the New York Times, romance scams claimed $139 million in 2020 from adults age 60 and up in 2020. Why? Because older people have more wealth to scam from.

The Socialization Factor

As we talk about in our book, women are socialized from a young age to be nurturers, caregivers, and compromisers. We’re taught to be understanding, to give second chances, to see the best in people and essentially - to be the world’s Swiss Army knife – solving the problems of everyone we encounter. And while these are all beautiful qualities, they can also make us susceptible. Women are loathe to leave someone in peril (except ourselves). So, we're more likely to ignore red flags, wire money to “someone in need,' or lured into revealing personal details that can then be fed back to us and exploited.

This isn’t the Blame Game

The goal here isn’t to play the blame game. But we want you to keep a sense of awareness. When you understand the origins of our vulnerabilities, you can arm yourself better. Recognize that Prince Charming doesn’t need your bank account details to buy a plane ticket. He's got a kingdom, remember?

Rise and Protect

Here are some steps you can take to make sure that you don’t wake up from an evil spell to an empty bank account.

1. Trust your gut, your safety intuition. If something feels off, it probably is. If you’re not sure, check with a trusted bestie or family member.

2. Keep personal and financial information close to the chest.

3. Never send money, especially if you’ve never met in person.

4. Be a flirty detective! Do some investigative work. Google their photos, check their stories. Let's turn the table and play some Cinderella CSI!

While those old-school stories may have taught us to wait for our glass slipper moment, it's time we also equip ourselves with some armor. Because in this modern tale, Cinderella doesn’t just sit and wait. She rises, educates, and protects herself, her money and her sisters.

How The Breakup of Match Group and Garbo Imperils Women's Online Dating Safety

Have you looked for love online? According to research, over half (53%) of Gen Z has, and Tinder tops their list (pun intended) of favorite apps. But Zoomers aren’t the only ones swiping their screens - the stats also show that one in three adults of all ages have used an online dating site or app at least once in their lives.

But dating apps don’t just attract your potential dream date, they’re also a hunting ground for violent sexual predators. Another recent study indicates that 14% of acquaintance rapes occurred as the result of meeting on a dating app. That’s disturbing enough, but the report also notes that the rapes that resulted from meeting online were different from other acquaintance rapes that occurred: They were more violent and preyed on the most vulnerable.

So, whose responsibility is it to keep women (and everyone) safe when meeting people online? In an anonymous virtual world where anyone say they’re anything, what can be done? We, the app consumers, can and should take precautions when meeting a stranger. But the corporate owners of the online apps themselves should do more. A lot more.

Match Group, (the giant corporation that owns Tinder, Plenty of Fish and Match.com, among others) came under heavy scrutiny a few years ago, when a 2019 ProPublica report criticized the lack of company-wide protocols to keep users safe from predators. ProPublica noted that a Match representative went so far as to “freely” admit: “There are definitely registered sex offenders on our free products.”

Registered. Sex. Offenders.

Match had pushed back on regulation for years. Like almost all social media platforms protected by Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act, “The site argued in court for years that it has no legal obligation to conduct background checks, and it fought state legislation that would require it to disclose whether it does so.”

But criticism leveled against the corporation had an effect: It finally capitulated. And in March, 2022 announced that it would enable users to check the background of their potential dates. We got our hopes up last year when Match virtually shouted via press release that they were investing in and partnering with Garbo, an innovative background-check platform to: “Enable individuals to easily access public information about violent or harmful behavior, including arrests, convictions, and sex offender registry records…empowering people to make more informed decisions about who they interact with in real life.”

But here we are, a mere18 months later - barely after liftoff, and Garbo has shut down their online platform. Abruptly ending the partnership with Match Group.

What happened? Let’s look at the back story first, then look at implications for women trying to keep themselves safe.

• Match Group's Initiative:

  In March 2021, the Match Group announced the Garbo partnership, noting efforts to enhance user safety. The plan was to integrate Garbo’s public record search features into Match’s dating platforms, allowing users to check if potential matches had a record of violence or other criminal background.

• Who’s Garbo?

  Non-profit Garbo was established with a mission to proactively prevent gender-based violence by providing people with access to information about potential partners. Users could conduct background checks on potential matches to ensure they weren't interacting with someone with a violent history. The goal was to provide users with easy access to public records and make dating safer.

• Garbo Shuts Down Their Platform

  But Garbo abruptly announced in August 2023 that it was winding down its consumer background check service and ended its relationship with Match.

  Garbo’s Press Release About Shutting Off Their Background Check Platform

Garbo’s Press Release is disheartening, to put it mildly. They’re on the front lines of keeping women safe and they say they’re losing the war. In their press release, they note the following:

1. “It’s become clear that most online platforms aren’t legitimately committed to trust and safety for their users. 

2. Local governments are making it harder and harder for individuals to get easy, affordable, simple access to vital public record information needed to identify red flags that inform your decisions on who to engage with online and in-person.

3. It’s become clear that Garbo needs to adjust our focus to tech tools that more directly educate and empower you to control your personal safety in the digital age while mitigating risk to our team, our board, and to victims and survivors.”

 Bottom Line: The Impact of Garbo's Shutdown on Women’s Safety

Dating apps are owned by corporations and corporations are focused solely on one thing: Stock price. Whether the product is cars, refrigerators or people (as in dating apps), product quality and safety takes a back seat to profit. The ProPublica report puts the position of these corporations in full view: They don’t care, even when the product could be their daughters.

So, what’s does all this mean for women’s online dating safety?      

1.       Loss of a Proactive Safety Layer: With Garbo's shutdown, users lose a significant tool that allowed them to screen out potentially dangerous matches before any real-world interaction.

2.       Dependence on Other Safety Features: While Match Group platforms have other safety measures, such as panic buttons, location tracking, and photo verification, Garbo was the nuclear weapon in their safety feature arsenal. And Garbo’s absence is a major loss in the layers of proactive safety against violent predators.

3.      users on their own: Without Garbo, women are inherently less safe on dating sites. They’re back on their own (again) against violent predators. They will have to rely more heavily on their instincts (safety intuition) and conduct their own research to ensure their safety, which can be tedious and not always effective. A lot of people probably won’t do this because it isn’t as easy as integration within an app.

Doing your own research is more difficult, but not impossible. In its wake, Garbo recommends contacting the Federal Court Records site: Public Access to Court Electronic Records | PACER: Federal Court Records (uscourts.gov). You’ll pay .10/page (with a max of $3.00) for each report you request.

The good news is that Garbo hasn’t shut down completely. CEO and Founder Kathryn Kosmides noted that they are going forward in a different way: “Garbo is doubling down on our commitment to directly serving individuals over companies, along with more comprehensive engagement with public officials.”

Garbo also provides you with a guide to help you understand if you should trust someone that you meet online with your safety.

The Bigger Picture

So now what? We believe that Garbo’s exit is a wakeup call that includes refocusing, and hopefully potential for new solutions to emerge.

1.       Re-emphasizing the Importance of Online Safety: The shutdown underscores the necessity for much stronger safety tools for women in the digital dating world, particularly given the tremendous risks associated with meeting strangers and potential predators. And especially because when looking for love, many women are vulnerable and open to predation.

2.       Potential for New Solutions: While the loss of Garbo is significant, it could pave the way for other innovators to step in and develop new solutions for ensuring user safety on dating platforms. Garbo has indicated that it will go forward with developing solutions. Hopefully, there are plans in development.

Women's safety on online platforms, especially on dating apps, has always been perilous. And the shutdown of Garbo is a massive setback in creating a safer online dating environment. But it also serves as a wakeup call and reminder that we need innovation and a lot more vigilance in this sphere. As users, stakeholders and potential victims ourselves, the onus is on us to force corporations and governments to prioritize our safety and advocate for robust mechanisms that protect us in the digital age.

How H.E.L.P. Can Assist You in Navigating the College 'Red Zone'

Your college experience is transformational. Literally. Much like butterflies, we enter as teenagers and emerge as adults, ostensibly ready to fly into the world. For us, it was a thrilling, yet daunting experience. But like caterpillars, incoming freshwomen are the most vulnerable to predators. This particular phase of the college journey is termed the 'Red Zone' – the initial weeks of the freshman year where the risk of sexual assault is statistically highest: 50% of all sexual assaults on campus occur between the start of the semester and Thanksgiving holiday. To reduce your chances of being a victim, it's essential to be proactive, informed, and vigilant. Here, we introduce the H.E.L.P. framework, designed to empower you during this critical time.

H - Have a Plan

Always go into a new situation with a plan in mind (a good strategy for life, actually). Whether it's attending a class, a social gathering, or exploring the campus, know your destination, the route you'll take, and the time you expect to return. Hint: Use apps or wearable tech that can keep your family and friends advised of your location. This will not only help you stay organized, but also ensures that you have a safety net should things go down a bad path.

E - Education: Know Your Campus Locations & Resources

Become familiar with the campus layout as soon as possible: Identify key locations like emergency call stations, security posts, well-lit paths, and safe locations like libraries or student centers that operate round-the-clock. Also, educate yourself about the resources available to you - such as campus security, counseling services, and women’s resource centers. Being aware and using your Safety Intuition can make all the difference.

L - Let’s Talk: Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Stay connected with your friends and family. Let them know where you're going, whom you're with, and when you'll be back. (Did we mention apps?) Keep in mind that this isn’t about seeking permission; it's about ensuring that someone always knows your whereabouts and can act as a lifeline if needed. Besides, checking in with loved ones regularly helps reduce feelings of homesickness and enables them to provide you with emotional support.

P - Party Smart

You are going to be partying! The fun part of college brings lots of parties and social events! Have fun, but always party smart. Set limits for yourself regarding alcohol consumption, always keep an eye on your drink, and attend parties with your bestie or your squad. Remember, there's strength in numbers. Make a pact to go and leave together. Because, as we talk about in our book, the predator’s strategy is to isolate you. So, plan an exit strategy with your friends ahead of time, in case things become uncomfortable.

Navigating the college 'Red Zone' requires awareness, preparation, and smart decision-making. The H.E.L.P. framework isn’t about scaring you but empowering you with tools and strategies to so that your college experience is safe and fun. By having a plan, being educated, keeping lines of communication open, and partying smart, you confidently take on the challenges and socializing of your freshman year.

How Apple’s Latest Update Can Help Keep Children Safe

Apple's latest software update to iPhone/iPad, known as iOS 17, is set to be released this month (September, 2023). Software updates are usually boring, behind-the-scenes type of thing.

But this one is worth mentioning because the iOS 17 update comes with several new features that can enhance children's safety. We think that every step that tech companies do to keep children safe (especially online) is one in the right direction, so we applaud these steps. But we also think they can do a lot more, and we’ll talk about that more in a subsequent blog. In the meanwhile, here are some of the new iOS 17 advantages that parents may be interested in.

Communication Safety

Communication Safety is a feature that warns children when they may be receiving or sending nude photos. It’s designed to protect children from inappropriate content. It warns children when receiving or sending photos or videos that contain nudity in the Messages app, AirDrop content, FaceTime video messages, and Contact Posters in the Phone app. By default, the setting is turned on for children under the age of 13 who are signed in to their Apple ID and part of a Family Sharing group. But you can turn it on/off in the Settings app under Screen Time. Communication Safety uses on-device processing to detect photos and videos containing nudity. This ensures that Apple and third parties can’t access the content and that end-to-end encryption is preserved in the Messages app.

Sensitive Content Warning

This feature allows users to blur nude images on their own device. Keep in mind that this is a separate feature from the Communication Safety option mentioned above. The Sensitive Content Warning is designed for people of all ages. iOS 17 automatically blurs nude photos on kids' devices. The software screens the images on the device itself, which means that Apple doesn’t receive the data. The opt-in blurring can be applied to images in Messages, AirDrop, Contact Posters for the Phone app, FaceTime messages, and third-party apps.

Check-In Feature

Parents will love this one! It allows users to set up automatic check-ins with a designated contact to ensure their safety. Parents can use this feature to keep track of their child's whereabouts and ensure their safety.

Here’s how it works: When the user is going out, they activate Check In. It automatically notifies family members or friends when their loved one arrives at their destination. So the next time your teen leaves to go to the mall or hang with friends, Check In will automatically let you know when they’ve arrived — but it also sends more useful information: You can see if your kid is in a cell dead zone and doesn’t have service to text, or if their phone battery has died and prevents them from sending an update. And when your teen arrives at their destination, you automatically get a notification, making the “let me know when you’ve made it safely” process more stress-free for everyone.  

And thanks to auto-tracking, you’ll know exactly where your person is on their route: Check In also shares the course taken during the trip, sends alerts in the event of a delay, and notifies when there’s a deviation from the route. It also notifies when the user hasn’t arrived at their final stop at all.

Safari Safe Browsing

iOS 17 also includes Safari Safe Browsing, which warns users about fraudulent websites and phishing attempts. This feature helps protect children from online scams and phishing attempts.

Overall, we’re thrilled about the new features in iOS 17 that enhance children's safety: Communication Safety and Sensitive Content Warning specifically address the issue of inappropriate content, while Safari Safe Browsing and Message Check-In provide additional layers of protection. Thanks, Apple…but a lot more can be done.

Wearable Tech for Women’s Safety

Tech advancements have not only made our lives easier but also more secure. And when it comes to women’s personal safety, wearable tech offers an array of practical solutions. These gadgets are not just fashion-forward; they also serve as powerful tools in your layered defensive living strategy. Let's check out the some of the wearable tech designed for women's safety.

Personal Safety Alarm

Remember the whistle or loud alarms women used to carry in their purses? Modern-day personal safety alarms have taken that concept and digitized it. These keychain-sized devices emit a loud siren, upwards of 120 decibels, when activated. The idea is simple: draw attention and scare off predators. Attackers don’t want attention. She’s Birdie devices are great for this. They’re small and can be easily attached to a purse, belt, or backpack, ready to be activated in an emergency.

Smart Jewelry

Smart jewelry merges fashion with function, creating an accessory that doubles as a safety device. Brands like Invisawear have developed necklaces, bracelets, and keychains that feature a hidden panic button. Pressing it can send an alert to predetermined contacts or emergency services, along with your GPS location. They sync with a mobile app, so you can customize who gets alerted.

Smart Pepper Spray

In addition to alarms and trackers, we love smart pepper spray! In addition to deploying high-intensity pepper spray, it also pairs with a phone app that notifies emergency contacts that you’ve deployed the spray, providing location texts and real-time GPS map updates, enabling them to track you until you’re safe. The free app will notify up to five emergency contacts with location texts. An optional monitoring service is available in partnership with Noonlight. This version also notifies the Noonlight call center that the spray has been deployed, who then notify law enforcement and provide your location.  

Smart Watches with SOS Features

Smartwatches have evolved beyond fitness tracking and message notifications. Almost all of them include safety features, such as a fall detection system and SOS alert functionality. We use Apple’s iWatch. When you make a call with Emergency SOS, your Apple Watch automatically calls local emergency services and shares your location with them. When the call ends, your Apple Watch sends your emergency contacts a text message with your current location, unless you choose to cancel. For a period of time after you enter SOS mode, your emergency contacts receive updates when your location changes. The latest version can be pricey, but you can find deals on less expensive models.

Wearable tech for women's safety is a growing market that continues to evolve and offer women more ways to feel secure and empowered. While no device can guarantee 100% safety, these wearables add an additional layer of security and peace of mind. Remember, it's crucial to always use your safety intuition, stay vigilant and aware of your surroundings and layer your personal defense strategy. Stay vigilant, stay strong and stay safe!

3 Free iPhone Personal Safety Apps Everyone Should Have

Although women are primarily the targets of violent crime, it can happen to anyone. In the first half of 2023, violent crime levels remain higher than the same timeframe in 2019, before the COVID pandemic. According to the Council on Criminal Justice, there were 24% more homicides during the first half of 2023 than during the first half of 2019 in the study cities.

Despite these statistics, although you should remain aware and use your safety intuition when you’re out and about, you don’t need to walk around on high alert – it’s draining and counter-productive. As we discuss in our book, there some easy-to-implement tactics you can use to increase your personal safety. And as part of a layered defensive living strategy, your iPhone can help keep you safe.

All of the apps pinpoint your location and can share them with designated contacts. However, there are various features that we like about each one. We reviewed two of these apps (the free version) and look forward to reviewing the third, which will be released later this month (September 2023) as part of Apple’s latest software upgrade: iOS 17. We’re mentioning it now so you can watch for it.

Apple iOS 17 Check In Feature

iOS 17 is an important release for the safety of women and children, and we’ll be discussing it a lot more. But we’re really excited about the new Check In feature. Check In automatically tracks you and texts selected contacts when you’ve safely arrived at your destination, even if you forget to. Hello, friends and family of college students. It can also work with your iWatch, depending on what model you have. You can configure Check In to track your route, notify your contacts if you’ve taken a detour, have a delay or don’t make it to your destination. Don’t worry, you choose who gets contacted at any given time.

If you don’t get to your destination within the expected timeframe, your iPhone will display a popup asking if everything is ok. If you don’t respond within 15 minutes, Check In will alert your designated contact(s) that something may be wrong.

Noonlight

Noonlight is a great app that provides a free button that lets you call for silently call for help.  Whenever you’re feeling unsafe, you hold the button in the middle of the screen. When you release the button, you have 10 seconds to put your PIN in to let the app know that you’re ok. If you don’t put your PIN in, a Noonlight dispatcher will call you and can alert authorities and your designated contacts with your location if needed. If you forget your PIN, you can respond to the Noonlight dispatcher via text that you’re ok. You can also just tap the button if you need help. It’s a lot faster and easier than calling 911 if you’re in a potentially dangerous situation.

Other free Noonlight features are pretty impressive:

• Timeline: You can easily add information about who you’re meeting, add their picture and where you’re meeting them. Law enforcement can access this information if they need to.

• Tinder integration: You can add a Tinder chat directly into the Noonlight Timeline.

• TASER Pulse+ integration: When you fire your TASER Pulse+, Noonlight dispatcher are immediately notified of your location.

• Add your friends to your Safety Network: Your friends will get a text notifying them that you’ve added them. They can also download Noonlight and add you to their network if they want to.

bSafe

The bSafe app includes a wide range of features, many of which need paid access. The good news is that you can activate the features temporarily for 99 cents if you don’t want to pay the premium. The annual cost isn’t exorbitant, either: $19.99/annually. However, the free version provides SOS alerts, location alerts and enables you to act as a guardian for other users. I mean, exact location sharing, as in bSafe followed me walking around in the house! Premium features include voice activation (so you don’t have to grab your phone to activate the app) and video streaming to your safety network when the SOS button is activated.

We can’t always have someone with us when we’re out and about, but we’re happy that these apps are available to call for help when necessary. Keep in mind that a layered method of defensive living is advised. Also, keep self-defense tools with you that can help you keep yourself safe and even up the fight, if it comes to that. In the meanwhile: Layer up, stay strong and stay safe!

Healing from Toxic Shame After Sexual Assault: Brené Brown's Shame Resilience Theory

Many survivors of sexual assault experience a deep sense of shame, feeling damaged, broken, and worthless. Society reinforces these feelings, inevitably victim-blaming and rarely holding predators to account. In essence, sending the perverted message that the victim was powerful enough to cause her own attack. And continuing this twisted logic: So, she should have had the power to avoid it as well. These weird dynamics cause a sense of shame withing the victim. Shame that not only breaks not only the body, but also the psyche and soul - leading to a permanent sense of toxic shame within the victim that can last a lifetime if it isn’t addressed.

Shame is sometimes confused with guilt, which is a related but distinct emotion in which a specific behavior is seen as unacceptable or wrong, as opposed to shame that affects a person’s entire sense of self. Survivors of sexual abuse are prone to toxic shame, especially if they blame themselves, or were told by their abuser that they were responsible.

The statistics on our site reveal a sobering reality—hundreds of women come here every month searching for ways to deal with the toxic shame that often follows sexual assault. You are not alone. Toxic shame can weigh us down like an anchor, making it difficult to move forward and thrive.

Understanding Toxic Shame

Toxic shame goes beyond feeling bad about what happened to you; it makes you feel bad about who you are. The self-blame, isolation, and secrecy that often accompany this shame perpetuate a cycle that can be debilitating. We have seen this in too many women. But the road to recovery is possible, and one powerful guide for that journey is Brené Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory.

What is Brené Brown's Shame Resilience Theory?

A powerful tool that we’ve found that can help break the cycle is Brené Brown’s Shame Resilience Theory. Professor Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston and her Shame Resilience Theory involves four elements:

1. Recognizing Shame and Understanding its Triggers: Acknowledge that what you're feeling is shame and identify what is causing it.

2. Practicing Critical Awareness: Understand the social and cultural factors that contribute to your shame.

3. Reaching Out: Share your story with someone you trust. Vulnerability is key to breaking the cycle.

4. Speaking Shame: Use accurate language to talk about your feelings, turning shame into an experience, not an identity.

How to Apply the Theory to Your Life

Recognizing Shame

The first step in healing is to acknowledge your feelings without judgment. Journaling is a powerful tool and can be a helpful way to pinpoint triggers and moments when shame surges.

Practicing Critical Awareness

This step involves unpacking the societal norms that perpetuate shame, especially after a sexual assault. Often, we internalize these norms, which further cements our toxic shame.

Reaching Out

Based on site statistics, online forums and support groups have been invaluable resources for women on their healing journey. Consider joining one or talking to a friend or a professional you trust.

Speaking Shame

Putting words to your experience can be a freeing exercise. Try to talk about your feelings with a confidant or through creative outlets like poetry or painting. If you can’t find the words, art can help you to begin to sort through your feelings.

You Are More Than Your Experience

Shame can make you feel like you're unworthy of love, happiness, or success. But the truth is, you are more than your traumatic experience. Healing begins when you allow yourself to be vulnerable in a safe place with safe people. As Brené Brown says, "Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome."

The journey toward shame resilience may be long and fraught with challenges, but you are not alone. You are worthy of healing and capable of resilience.

Remember, professional help is crucial for such a sensitive and severe issue. If you or someone you know needs help, please seek qualified assistance.

5 Ways to be Persuasion-Proof for Women

When men say no, that’s the end of the conversation. But women say no, that’s the beginning of the persuasion process. The persuasion process refers to the increasing pressure on women to agree to do with whatever someone wants them to do. And the world does not want to hear the word no from women. It becomes even more challenging, because as women, we’re socialized to please everyone and to take care of everyone else before we take care of ourselves. And women don’t want to leave anyone in peril, but what about leaving ourselves in peril because we allow ourselves to be talked into something?

So, it's crucial to stay sharp and vigilant. Because we can easily find ourselves in situations where someone is trying to talk us into something that’s against our own self-interest, and learning to be persuasion-proof can keep us safe. Let's talk about five strategies to armor up against persuasive tactics that might put you at risk.

1. Trust Your Safety Intuition

Your safety intuition is your best friend; listen to it. This means that if something feels off, it probably is. Your safety intuition isn’t something mystical, it’s simply your subconscious responding to your five senses they try to warn you of potential danger. We have this instinct as all animals do. But as women, we are socialized to minimize our own feelings, so we ignore ourselves. So, whether you're in a new social setting, online, or even on a date, your safety intuition or gut instincts can often detect danger before your rational mind does. Trusting this inner voice can help you make quick decisions that prioritize your safety.

2. Set and Maintain Boundaries

Having clear boundaries allows you to navigate situations confidently. So many women have a difficult time setting boundaries. We all know men whose favorite word is no and they are known and respected for it. Boundaries can be simple: Saying "no,” when someone asks you to go somewhere you're uncomfortable with, or set privacy restrictions on your social media if someone is trolling you. If you say no, and someone doesn’t respect that, ask yourself why they keep pushing after you’ve made your decision known. Being assertive about your boundaries makes it harder for people to manipulate you into compromising situations.

3. Be Skeptical of Too-Good-To-Be-True Offers

If someone offers you something that seems too good to be true—be it a job opportunity, a free ride, or an incredible discount—proceed with caution. Take a beat and think through the possible consequences. Take the time to research and verify the legitimacy of the offer. Scammers often lure victims with tantalizing offers that turn out to be traps.

4. Use the Buddy System

Whether you're going out for the night or traveling to a new place, there's safety in numbers. If you can, always have a trusted friend or family member aware of your whereabouts. You can also share your location with them through your phone for an extra layer of security. Predators want to isolate and manipulate you. And don’t forget that predators are charmers. Your squad or buddy can help you see through that charming exterior.

5. Educate Yourself on Persuasion Tactics

Knowledge is power. The more you know about the common tactics used to manipulate people—like guilt-tripping, flattery, or creating a false sense of urgency—the better equipped you are to recognize and counter them. Consider reading books or taking online courses on persuasion and manipulation to keep yourself one step ahead.

Being persuasion-proof isn't about living in fear; it's about being empowered. By incorporating these five strategies into your life, you'll not only bolster your personal safety but also increase your confidence as you navigate the world around you.

Stay safe, stay strong! 💪

Five Simple Ways to be a Male Ally

I gotta tell ya, guys. We women can’t keep ourselves safe alone. We need help. Do you want to know what women want? We want to be safe.

I know, it’s not all men. But here’s the thing: We can’t tell. And let's face it, gents...neither can you. If you think that you know if your buddy is no danger to women because “he’s a good guy,” I’ll guarantee that you haven’t seen him behind closed doors the way that we have.

The statistics are bad. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center, 1 in 5 women in the U.S. will be raped at some point in their lives, and a staggering 1 in 3 in three women globally will experience some form of sexual violence. The next time you’re in a group with three women, consider that at least one (or more) of them have been victimized. Now, we know that not all men are part of the problem, but all men can definitely be part of the solution.

The Two C's: Consent and Communication

Men keep asking us how they can tell what women want and how far to go. It’s easy: It’s the two C's: Consent and Communication. Consent isn't just a one-time checkbox; it's an ongoing process. Every time until she tells you to stop asking. It's like Netflix asking if you're "still watching" every three episodes. You need to continually check in to make sure everyone is still on board.

Master the Art of Active Listening

Active listening isn't just for therapists or hostage negotiators. By genuinely hearing what a woman is saying, you validate her experiences and concerns. Active listening is the Swiss Army knife in your toolbox of "How to Make Women Feel Safe 101."

Not All Heroes Wear Capes: The Bystander Effect

If you see something, say something—or better yet, do something. Help us out. Studies show that when bystanders intervene, the incidence of harassment decreases significantly. You don't need to be Captain America, just a decent human being.

Elevator Etiquette: More than Just Pushing Buttons

An elevator can feel like a steel cage match. We train women to step out of the elevator if they’re alone with a man. Men, you can help by giving space, maybe stepping out to let someone off first. It's like holding the door open, but with vertical movement.

Stats Don't Lie: The Importance of Education

According to a study by Stop Street Harassment: 68% of women reported experiencing sexual harassment in a public space like a street, park or store, and 38% experienced harassment at their workplace or school. Education can help lower these numbers. Attend workshops, read articles like this, or, you know, just listen to women. Speak up, help us out!

Creating a safer environment for women isn't about grand gestures or dramatic showdowns. It's about small, everyday actions that make a big difference. By using these tips into your daily life, you're not just helping women feel safer—you're setting a new standard for what it means to be a man in today's world.

Jenni Hermoso and the DARVO Plot Twist

Tale as old as time: A majestic female accomplishment, immediately negated.

Latest example: Football/soccer star forward and world champion, Jenni Hermoso. Ms. Hermoso led her team to a first-ever World Cup victory for Spain, an inspiring moment that millions aspire to and should have been her greatest. But as she stepped up to receive her medal to thundering applause, her boss grabbed her face in both of his hands and kissed her on her mouth. Not a symbolic peck on both cheeks, full on mouth. Imagine if he had done that to a male football player.

Not only did the incident steal away what should have been a massive celebration for Hermoso and her team but was a full-on demo of power dynamics. And in a page, straight out of the DARVO playbook, her boss tried to play the victim card.

What’s DARVO?

It’s a mental mind f@#* to escape accountability: Deny any wrongdoing, Attack the accuser, and then Reverse the roles to paint oneself as the Victim while framing the accuser as the Offender. It’s also designed to make the victim doubt their own memory. Had this same scenario occurred without millions of people watching, it’s doubtful that Hermoso would have been believed. Even so, despite photos, her boss still tried to gaslight the global audience, effectively telling millions of people saying that it didn’t happen: “Who are you going to believe: Me or your own lying eyes?”

When that didn’t work, dude brought out the DARVO playbook.

By The Numbers

What typically happens when victims confront perps? One study showed that when people confronted their toxic abusers, they were confronted with:

• The perpetrator denied the events (44%)

• The perpetrator said the whole situation is a misunderstanding (22%)

• The perpetrator told them they’re crazy (44%)

The DARVO Playbook

Step 1: Deny

First off, they deny. Flat out, no frills, just a straight-up "I didn't do it." It's as if they believe that saying it makes it true. Too often, it does, because women are rarely believed.

Step 2: Attack

After the denial comes the attack. This is when DARVO dude gets creative, knee-capping the accuser's credibility in any way they can. "You're too emotional," or "You're just looking for attention," are classic hits in this category.

Step 3: Reverse Roles

Finally, the pièce de résistance: reversing the victim and offender roles. Now, suddenly, he's the persecuted one. "You're ruining my reputation," or "You're the real problem here." In this case, the boss’s mommy gets into her boy’s drama, going on a “hunger strike” against Hermoso. Really, mommy???

Why It's a Problem

The issue with DARVO is that it muddies the waters, making it hard to hold someone accountable for their actions. It's a gaslighting technique that can lead to the erosion of trust, especially in personal relationships.

Awareness of DARVO is the First Step

So, why is it important to recognize DARVO? Because awareness is the first step in dismantling any manipulative tactic. And let's face it, nobody has time for these kinds of mind games. So, the next time you see it, keep Hermoso in mind because the DARVO playbook is against victims far too often.

And when you do see it, call it out for what it is: a last-ditch attempt to evade accountability. Instead of kneecapping victim’s credibility, it’s time to knee-cap DARVO.

Understanding Misogynoir on the 60th Anniversary of Dr. King’s Speech

Sixty years ago, on August 28, 1963, Dr. Martin Luther King gave his impassioned “I Have a Dream” speech during the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom. A call for equality and freedom, it was one of the defining points for the civil rights movement.

Sixty years later, progress has gradually been made – as in gradually the ice age ended. And in many cases, unmade far more quickly. But there is one area where zero headway has occurred, glacial or otherwise: Prejudice and violence against Black women. Also known as misogynoir: a term coined by queer Black feminist scholar Moya Bailey that specifically describes the unique discrimination faced by Black women, where both racism and misogyny intersect.

Misogynoir highlights the way that both race and gender work together to marginalize Black women in unique and specific ways that are different from the racism that Black men face or the misogyny that white women face. The violence that Black women face is unique and compounded as well.

 The Stats

• Black women made up nearly one-third of all female murder victims in the City of Los Angeles over the past decade despite accounting for less than five percent of the city’s population, according to a report by the Civil + Human Rights and Equity Department (LA Civil Rights). 

• Nationally, 2,077 Black women and girls were killed in 2021, a 51% increase over 2019 and the largest jump of any racial or gender group during that period, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

• During that same timeframe, the number of unsolved homicides of Black women and girls rose by 89% nationwide. 

• In 2020, 268,884 women were reported missing, according to the National Crime Information Center, with nearly 100,000 of those being Black women and girls. While Black women account for less than 15% of the U.S. population, they made up more than one-third of all missing women reported in 2020. 

If this were any other population, the outcry would be deafening. But it’s not only not deafening, it’s not even whispering. Why the roaring silence from the media and our elected officials? Why the roaring silence from all of us?

The Hard Truth

1. Devaluation: Misogynoir contributes to a societal devaluation of Black women, which contributes to the mistaken view that they are somehow expendable or less deserving of protection. This devaluation manifests in forms of violence, from physical abuse to more systemic forms of violence like under-protection by law enforcement.

2. Stereotyping: Black women often face harmful stereotypes, such as being labeled "angry" or "hypersexualized." These stereotypes lead to justification, or excuse violence against them. For example, if a Black woman is perceived as overly aggressive, it might be used to justify physical retaliation against her. Point in fact: Megan Thee Stallion, who was born Megan Pete. Shot by Tory Lanez in the foot because she criticized his rap abilities, Pete was vilified by Lanez and subsequently in social media. Pete wrote in a guest essay in The New York Times that the “skepticism and judgment” that followed her allegations were emblematic of how Black women were “disrespected and disregarded in so many areas of life.”

3. Media Representation: Media representation of Black women often aligns with these negative stereotypes. In too many cases, the media perpetuates ideas that normalize or trivialize violence against Black women, reinforcing social acceptance of such behaviors. This includes social media, right, Megan?

4. Invisibility: Violence against Black women is frequently underreported or overshadowed. This invisibility can be attributed to the intersections of racism and misogyny. While issues of police violence gain national attention, the stories of Black men often overshadow those of Black women, despite Black women also being victims.

5. Economic and Social Disempowerment: The systemic marginalization that Black women face due to misogynoir can lead to economic and social disempowerment, making them more vulnerable to various forms of violence and exploitation.

6. Institutional Betrayal: Institutions that are supposed to protect people from harm fail Black women due to ingrained misogynoir. For example, law enforcement may not take cases of domestic violence or sexual assault against Black women as seriously, leading to further harm and trauma.

Certainly, the experiences of all Black women are not the same. But calling out the pervasive impact of misogynoir can shed light on the horrific violence and challenges they face. Understanding and addressing misogynoir is crucial in creating a society where all women and girls are safe, valued, and treated with dignity and respect.

It is time to speak up. It is time to call it out. It is time for all of us to stand together.

To quote Dr. King: “No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream. …Know that this situation will somehow be changed.”

But it won’t change itself.  

The Disrespect-Safety Nexus of Violence Against Women

To ensure women's safety, we have to recognize the intrinsic link between disrespect and vulnerability. By understanding the deep connection between the two, we can work towards creating much-needed change. This blog post delves into the reasons why combating disrespect for women is vital for enhancing women's safety.

Disrespect for women takes many forms, from subtle microaggressions to overt discrimination and violence. These instances are inevitably rooted in gender stereotypes, cultural norms, and unequal power dynamics. This behavior maintains our current environment where women are vulnerable to harassment, assault, and discrimination. Social media and technology have amplified this effect to the point where misogyny has weaponized technology against women and girls.

The Stats

• According to a study by the World Health Organization, 1 in 3 women globally experience either physical or sexual intimate partner violence or non-partner sexual violence in their lifetime.

• A survey by UN Women revealed that 97% of women aged 18 to 24 in public spaces in the UK had experienced some form of sexual harassment.

The Disrespect-Safety Nexus:

1. Normalization of Violence: Disrespect for women perpetuates a culture where violence against women is normalized. It sends a message that women are somehow inferior and deserving of mistreatment, making them more susceptible to abuse.

2. Erosion of Agency: When women are disrespected, their agency and autonomy are undermined. This erosion of self-worth can make them feel powerless to stand up against dangerous situations or report abuse.

3. Barriers to Reporting: Disrespectful attitudes often discourage women from reporting incidents of harassment or assault. The fear of not being taken seriously or facing blame can keep women silent, allowing offenders to escape accountability.

4. Cycle of Fear: Women who regularly experience disrespect may develop a heightened sense of vulnerability and fear. This constant state of vigilance restricts freedom of movement and can limit participation in public spaces. It also results in chronic stress.

How We Can Change It

Unfortunately, there’s no quick fix because these patterns have deep roots. But we have to start somewhere. We can all do our part, and it starts here and now. Here are some broad initiatives and we’ll be developing more specific action items in the near future.

• Challenging Stereotypes: Education plays a pivotal role in challenging ingrained stereotypes and prejudices. By promoting gender equality and debunking myths about women, we can reshape attitudes and behaviors.

• Promoting Consent Education: Disrespect often intersects with issues of consent. Educating people about the importance of consent in all interactions helps establish healthier relationships and reduces the likelihood of dangerous situations.

• Fostering Empathy: Empathy is a powerful tool for change. By educating society about the experiences and struggles women face, we can promote empathy and a more compassionate and respectful environment.

By pushing back against disrespect for women and broadening a culture of respect, empathy, and equality, we can create a world where women are free from the threat of violence and discrimination. It's a responsibility that requires commitment, education, and advocacy from everyone.

How Can You Avoid Dating Violence Drama?

Hey there, fabulous college women! 🌟

Let's talk about a topic that happens wayyyy too often but rarely discussed enough: Dating violence during the infamous "college red zone." Now, I'm not here to rain on your parade, but it's crucial to arm ourselves with knowledge and sass when it comes to this serious issue. Buckle up, because we're diving into the world of dating drama and how to sidestep it like the fierce individuals we are!

What's this "College Red Zone" Anyway?

No, it's not a new series on Netflix. The college red zone refers to the three months of the academic year when reports of sexual assault, harassment, and, you guessed it, dating violence, tend to skyrocket. It's like all the troublemakers decided to have a party, and not a fun one for you.

Shocking Stats to Get You Thinking

Let's hit you with some eye-opening statistics: Did you know that nearly 1 in 3 college students experience dating violence? Yeah, you read that right. It's like a bad rom-com gone horribly wrong. And don't even get me started on the fact that over half of college sexual assaults occur in the red zone. Seriously, people? Can we not?!

The Not-So-Subtle Warning Signs

Now, let's chat about those red flags that are waving right in front of your nose, and they aren’t a parade! If your partner's jealousy is reaching Kardashian levels, or they're tracking your every move like a private investigator (and not in a cute way), it's time to wave goodbye. Remember, a healthy relationship is built on trust, not control.

Being the Heroine of Your Story

Ladies, listen up! You're the star of your own show and your own life. And you deserve nothing but respect and empowerment. If someone's making you feel anything less than amazing, it's time to channel your inner superhero and kick 'em to the curb. Don't be afraid to lean on your friends, campus resources, or even your Safety Intuition (gut feeling) when something's just not right. And be Persuasion-Proof - Don’t let anyone talk you into anything that you don’t want to do to. And you don’t have to want to do something just because someone else tries to convince you to. Put that foot down because no is a complete sentence.

Staying Safe and Sassy

Here's the deal: We're here for a good time and a long time, but definitely not for a harmful time. Stay sassy by knowing your worth and setting boundaries like a queen. Trust your instincts, and if something smells fishier than last week's cafeteria sushi, don't be afraid to seek help.

So, there you have it, awesome college queens! Dating violence might try to creep into our lives during the red zone, but armed with stats and a dash of attitude, we're ready to show it the door. Stay fierce, stay safe!!

Why the False Narrative of Victim Blaming Makes Us Feel Safe

Victim blaming is when people hold victims of crime, accidents, or any negative event is responsible for their own harm, even when it’s obvious that they did nothing wrong. It’s rampant. Because for some reason, society loves to kick victims when they’re down - making a bad situation even worse.

And if the victim hasn’t developed mental health issues due to being victimized, they almost certainly will as the result of being victim blamed. So why is this false narrative so persistent, especially when it comes to women? Why do so many people tend to attack and blame the victim instead of the perpetrator? This criticism of victims is backward, but pervasive in our society.

Control

One of the biggest reasons that people point fingers at victims is because it gives them a sense of control over their own lives. By believing that victims brought catastrophe on themselves, it provides a comforting illusion that as long as we avoid certain behaviors, that if we don’t do what the victim did or said, that we ourselves can avoid being victimized. It's a defense mechanism and fantasy that allows us to believe that the world is just and predictable. This false belief allows us to ignore a lot of issues that don’t impact our world.

The Just World Hypothesis

According to this hypothesis, people have a strong need to believe that the world is an orderly, predictable, and just place, and people get what they deserve. This belief plays an important function in our lives since in order to plan our lives or achieve our goals we need to assume that actions will have predictable consequences. Then when we encounter evidence suggesting that the world is not just or predictable, we quickly act to restore justice: Either by helping the victim or by persuading ourselves that no injustice has occurred.

Maintaining Social Hierarchy

Historically, groups like women and minorities all over the world have been marginalized and oppressed. This has been accomplished and maintained, in part, through victim blaming. By holding these groups responsible for their own oppression, dominant groups look to maintain their power and absolve themselves of guilt.

Avoiding Personal Discomfort

Research published by the National Library of Medicine showed that people who have never experienced certain traumas, such as rape, are more likely to blame victims of those traumas. For example, the study showed that men (who are less likely to experience rape) are more likely to believe rape myths: The pervasive beliefs and attitudes that exonerate the perpetrator and blame the victim for her “allowing” herself to be raped.

It’s uncomfortable to confront the fact that bad things can happen to anyone, regardless of their actions. But by blaming the victim, people can distance themselves from the discomforting reality that everyone is vulnerable to events outside of their control.

#MeToo Upended Cultural and Social Conditioning

Over time, cultures and societies have ingrained certain stereotypes and beliefs into our collective psyche. Some of these stereotypes included the myth that rape was a rare occurrence that only happened to people who were somehow “asking for it.” Media, family, and peers have played a role in reinforcing these damaging cultural and social narratives, making it difficult to break the cycle of victim blaming.

The #MeToo movement, which began trending in October 2017, saw thousands of women, men and others posting the hashtag on social media to signal that they, too, had been a victim of sexual violence or assault. The #MeToo movement upended the “rare occurrence” myth - because the sheer number of people that posted about being raped proved that sexual assault is not an anomaly and that the victims (who came from all walks of life) weren’t “asking for it.” Nor is any victim of rape or sexual assault. Any victim.

Challenging Victim Blaming

Six years after the start of #MeToo, it’s critical to continue to recognize and challenge the roots of the biases and stereotypes in our communities. Because although society is more aware, little actual change (such as stronger laws or increased prosecution) has resulted, and victims are still being blamed. Let’s continue to create a more empathetic society where victims are supported rather than blamed. Education, open dialogue, and challenging biases are essential steps in this direction.

By understanding the roots of victim blaming, we can change the narrative and pave the way for a more understanding and supportive society where victims are heard and believed.

The College Red Zone: Know Before You Go

Attention College Freshwomen!

Starting college is an exciting new chapter, filled with opportunities and new experiences. However, there's an essential piece of information all women should be aware of during the initial weeks of college: The Red Zone.

🔴 What is The Red Zone?

It's the period from the start of the freshman year until Thanksgiving break when the rates of sexual assault and campus-related incidents are statistically higher for college freshmen women.

📊The Stats:

• Nearly 50% of all college sexual assaults occur during the red zone (RAINN).

• Freshmen women are at a 2-3 times higher risk during this period compared to their entire college tenure.

🏃‍♀️Know Before You Go: Stay Safe

• 💡Stay Empowered & Informed - Become familiar with the campus, find your way around to feel more confident.

• 🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️🧍‍♀️Stay Together - Travel in groups, especially at night.

• ❤Trust Your Safety Intuition - If something doesn't feel right, trust your instincts. Your Safety Intuition is your internal alarm system. Don't dismiss it!

• 🖐Be Persuasion-Proof - Don't allow yourself to be talked into something that you don't want. Stand strong.

• 👩‍✈️Know Your Resources - Familiarize yourself with campus safety services and local helplines.

• 📱Use Location Apps - Let trusted friends know where you are and when you expect to be home. Check in with each other

• 🍺Party Smart - College life gives you a lot more opportunities to party and who doesn't love a party? But there's a dark side: Predators look for these because they know that a lot of women are out there for the first time. Go with your crew and have each other's back. Watch your drink (and each others) at ALL times.

• 🫂Open Dialogue - Talk with your friends about safety measures and share experiences. Let's look out for one another and build a safer, more supportive community for everyone.

  Remember, queen: Knowledge is power! Stay informed, stay inspired, and make the most out of your college experience!